Author Archive > Emma

Good hoaxkeeping

Have dinner ready … Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking … Greet him with a warm smile [and] … let him talk first — remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours … A good wife always knows her place.
THE above comes from what looks like [...]

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Barackitsch and Mount Crapmore

AS the US convulses in the throes of economic holocaust and political revolution, it’s reassuring to know that some things remain exactly the same. I speak, of course, of Western capitalism’s unshakable ability to transform the sublime into retail ridiculousness.
If you’re thrilled by the election of America’s first black president and are desperate to express [...]

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Slug sex and the steam-o-sphere

HUMANKIND, as the internet makes so pumpingly clear, has an unholy obsession with sex. Drawn partly by ancient biological urges and partly by uncloseable XXX pop-up windows, our appetite for the salacious sights, sounds and smut-cams of the steam-o-sphere is insatiable.
This seems reasonable enough given the crucial role sex plays in keeping the human race, [...]

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Sun, sand and desexing stray street dogs

SOME people are truly excellent at being on holiday. They gradually unwind rather than frantically burning out in the final weeks of work and never fall hideously ill the moment they turn the key in the beach-house door.
These well-adjusted individuals ignore pressure to maximise their annual break by commencing triathlon training or translating Proust. Instead, [...]

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What a lot of people forget is that fish don’t have eyelids

 
ALEX Bellissimo isn’t religious but he reckons that if God came to earth, the big guy would eat whiting. “You don’t have to dress them up because they have no flavour or disguise them because they taste too strong,” he says. “They’re a sweet, sweet fish just as they are.”
This paragon of fishy perfection is [...]

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Save us from the sexy babies

AN American blogger is berating parents for buying their babies bibs with “hottie” logos. She accuses these parental pimps of advertising their kiddies as prostitots and encouraging pedophiles: “I have to wonder if they think about the child predators who claim that kids are flirting with them or asking for it,” the blogger writes.
This, awfully [...]

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Dear sport

DEAR Sport,
You probably don’t remember me but I was the fat kid who tried and sucked at netball, soccer, hockey, squash, judo, long-distance running, no-distance running and, very briefly and traumatically, synchronised swimming.
I did my best to get to know you but the two of us weren’t compatible. I didn’t like your alpha dog-eat-dog competitivism [...]

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Unprecedented opportunities for courtship and infidelity – the travesty of the telegraph

MOST media stories about the internet concern its evil deeds: its fame-a-fying of Finnish serial shooters is just one, not particularly grammatical, example. Reading the headlines, it’s easy to assume that the cyber-sphere poses a threat like no other. There have, however, been many precedents.
Guess which technological breakthrough was accused of causing young people to [...]

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What part of “you are a shambling capitalist skinbag” do you not understand?

AT the risk of kicking capitalism while it’s down, clearly the time has come for the Big C to reassess its rapaciousness beyond the esoteric realms of the international money markets.
Thanks to the media’s ever-increasing massness (not to mention the increasing affordability of the average item), capitalism’s obsession with always trying to sell everyone everything [...]

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When life really SUX

IMAGINE, for a moment, that you suffer from Socially Unacceptable Illness X (to keep things simple, let’s call it SUX*).
The first, tell-tale signs appear when you’re just a little tacker. If you showed symptoms of meningitis or a skate-boarding skull bust, the large people in your life would rush you straight to a doctor.
But this [...]

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